How to Love a Trauma Survivor

Many times, when we enter into relationships, we don't just enter into relationships with the person that we meet. You see, we also enter into a relationship with their families and upbringing, their past teachers, the people they were in past relationships with, their culture...the list goes on. The reason I say that is past experiences and relationships often come on into the room with a person and though you cannot see that they are there, they are there through how that person reacts, sees the world, their perspective, and their outlook on life and relationships. I said all of that to Eric to say that first of all, when you encounter a person that you want to date, get close to, marry, first think about your own perception. Examine your own intentions for that relationship BEFORE you try to examine theirs.

1. What do you want out of the relationship and do you recognize that extenuating circumstances--like significant past trauma means significant consideration on your part. I am in no way trying to get you to walk away from the start of what mean the legendary status for you as far as relationships go...BUT, you will need to be kind, diligent, considerate, patient and clear. A person with past trauma has a hard time trusting. A person who has been victimized through rape or abuse will need you to be monogamous, trustworthy, and mostly communicative about what you want from the relationship while allowing that other person to tell you what he or she wants you to do and NOT do. You see something as simple as sexual positions can elicit emotional pain or flashbacks for a person who has been victimized.

2. CAN YOU BE TRUSTED? Do not enter into a relationship with a person who has been sexually traumatized for the thrill of opening him or her up and being the person who unlocks the person. You see, there is an old statement that even doctors use as a creed and Buddhists use it as a mantra: DO NO HARM. When you enter into a relationship with a person trying to overcome trauma, get to know that person first so that you will have a good idea about what you could potentially do that will do harm to their well being. It is not an exercise in dating, it can create significant trauma to a person who has already been traumatized. Be a good person and don't take it lightly.

3. Be educated about their situation. One thing that anyone can do who is getting close to a person who has lived through trauma is to go back and learn about that trauma. Read about it. Google it. Why take this extra added step? Different significant traumas elicit different reactions. For example, an ex soldier may suffer from Post Traumatic stress disorder and will not like to go under tunnels or sit with his or her back to a window and find firework displays as a point of utter terror. A battered woman may feel completely victimized by a man who wants to control everything and flirts with other women when they are out with him. Likewise, a person who has been through sexual slavery and trafficking may never want to be put in provocative situations ever again or dress that way either. They may want to downplay their sexuality. A part of loving a person is understanding what LOVE means to them. If you can love them the way they want to be loved, and it agrees with the way you to love, your relationship can open you up to receive and give profound love like you have never know.

4. Take your time. Do not rush from date to sex. Unfortunately there are health aspects to engaging in sexual activity with anyone. However, there are also health related issues that may spring up from having sexual relations with a person who was forced to have relations with the kind of person who would cause them to be a sexual victim in the first place. You don't need to make this an issue it will certainly not empower them. However, be wise. Get tested together and know your and their HIV status. Also, use protection.

Being patient and kind in any relationship are hallmark features. It not only allows a relationship to grow, but also trust and the feelings that make natural affection and intimacy possible. Take your time and remember that whoever you fall in love with brings their baggage into a relationship and whether you know it or not, you bring yours also. There are no perfect people but with open calm affirmation honest communication, you can still have a perfect relationship that is healthy and perfect for you. Good Luck. Please write me about whatever you need tips on. I am here to motivate you to have a good, happy, healthy, balanced, well-rounded, successful life!

Prosper!